Bloody sod you then!

I’ve been having a bit of a crisis of faith over this blog recently. There was a period where I was unsure of whether to continue. It’s been a learning curve, and I’m not ashamed to say that I haven’t always got it right. It’s very easy to get caught up in the therapeutic process and forget about the repercussions. In fact, the only reason that I can write this blog is that I chose, wholeheartedly, to leave my shame and guilt at the door. Part of the process of therapy and recovery is coming to terms with what you’ve done in the past, owning up to it, learning why you did it and then moving forward without making the same mistakes. I have owned up to what I’ve done, I have come to terms with all my failings and my glaring errors, and I’ve made my peace with them. Most of them anyway.

I knew when I started to write this blog, that there were people I wouldn’t want to see it, but that they probably would, this being the internet after all. I had to be prepared for them to see everything I had to say, for them to judge and to criticise, and for me to be ok with that. There was no point in going ahead otherwise. I considered this, I accepted it and I went into this with my eyes open. I was fully prepared for this to happen, there is nothing in these posts that I’m ashamed to have written, and I can hand-on-heart say that I truly do not mind who reads it, or for that matter what they have to say about it.

I recently discovered that this is happening, that there are a couple of readers who come here simply to rubberneck. They show up sceptical, ready to judge, and they leave morally outraged at the weakness of a person who has the audacity to be writing about mental health, weight problems, addiction and other such unspeakable subjects. I expected to be hurt, to be offended, to at least be a little annoyed, but I wasn’t. To be honest I was surprised at how little I cared. I was also amazed that anyone would spend valuable time reading the blog of a person they dislike. I imagine them aghast in front of the screen, angry and affronted, but unable to look away, stuffing popcorn into their open mouth whilst muttering “terrible!” under their breath. Then, laughably, demanding that I stop posting, as if they have any bearing on my life at all.

I have made mistakes though. In my little personal journey towards recovery I have caused upset to others. And for this I am sorry. The point of therapy is not to improve your own situation at the cost of someone else’s, and I will be mindful in future of what I write regarding other people. I will not, however, limit or edit anything I write about myself. There is one person in the world with the right to dictate what I write here, how I write it and whether I write it at all, and that person is me.

I cordially invite those who do not agree to stop reading, or forever hold their thoroughly irrelevant peace.


Longing for swimwear

I’ve been stuck for something to write about over the last couple of weeks. Therapy’s going well, work’s going well, everything’s good and I have nothing to report on. Or so I thought. However, I’m currently trying to buy a swimsuit, “trying” being the operative word, and suddenly I have something to write about. Stop the press!! Yes, I know it sounds riveting, sorry.

We’re heading off to sunny climes in the not too distant future. Spain to be precise. I haven’t actually been to Spain, ever, I don’t think. I’ve been to Menorca with extended family, but I was 7 and don’t remember much, except that it was sunny and nice. The one thing that does stick in my memory about that holiday, is standing on a balcony with my cousins and my brother, looking over into an apartment opposite and seeing a gentleman getting it oooooon with his lady friend. We didn’t fully understand what they were doing, but were aware that it was “rude!”, and so we threw olives at them. Said gentleman became understandably irate and retaliated with pegs. One of them hit my finger and really hurt, which brought our parents out on to the balcony, late to the party, to shout at irate gentleman about throwing things at children. To make matters even worse, they were amazed at how much we apparently liked olives and bought us some more.

“Dear amorous Spanish gentleman,

I hereby apologise for throwing olives at you when you were trying to get your end away. I was only 7 and didn’t know any better. I’m also sorry that we didn’t tell our parents the real reason you threw a peg at me until many years later. I’m also sorry that we all laughed about it, a lot. I hope you managed to get your leg over in the end.



Anyway, that has nothing to do with swimsuits, sorry. So, up until last year, Tony and I hadn’t had many holidays in our 5 years of relationship. Other than a lovely week in Brittany with lovely friends, a gorgeous long weekend in Paris for my 30th birthday (he’s an old romantic about once every 3 years) and a week at Center Parks in the Lakes (never again), we hadn’t really seen much sun. For this reason my parents took pity on us and invited us for a week in the Isle of Wight last year. It was wonderful. The weather was perfect, good enough for a trip to the beach and a swim in the sea every day. It reminded us of how nice it is to have a holiday once in a while. So, off to Spain we go, also with my parents (our holiday enablers), for two weeks. It may seem strange for a 30+ year old couple to be going on holiday with parents, but we get on with them so well that it’s not a problem. Also, they like to do their own thing once in a while, as do we, so we don’t spend every day together.

The Glorious Isle of Wight

The Glorious Isle of Wight

I’m excited about the holiday, I am, but I’m also quite apprehensive. The weather in the Isle of Wight was a complete surprise, so this is the first time I’m actually expecting sunshine and heat, and planning my wardrobe accordingly. Now, fat people don’t do well in the heat, at least I don’t. Hot, sweaty and bothered is not a good look on anyone, and even though I’ve lost about a stone I am still not what ­­­­Protein World would call “Beach Body Ready”. Incidentally, for anyone who hasn’t seen the nation’s response, please click here as it is nothing short of wonderful.

Don’t get me wrong, I fall firmly into the camp that believes that the way to become beach body ready is to put your body, whatever it looks like, on a beach. I struggle with my own body image though and am not brave enough to wear a bikini, as many awesome women are. While I think they look fabulous, and am sure that the world would not end if I put a bikini on and joined them, I just don’t have it in me, not yet. For this reason, buying summer clothes I won’t overheat in, but that don’t show too much of me, is a horribly daunting prospect, and that’s before we even get to swimsuits.

So, plus sized swimsuits. There are some really great options available these days, and I should be spoiled for choice. Simply Be have a brilliant range with some really nice choices, as do M&S and Long Tall Sally. Yes, I’m sure there are more retailers catering for the bigger girl, but the reason I’ve used these three as examples is that I’m not only plus-sized, but I’m tall as well. Longer length swimsuits are few and far between – I mean swimsuits that are actually longer length, as opposed to those that say they are but fall short of the required length by enough centimetres to render the wearer a hunched-over Quasimodo impersonator. The alternative being standing up straight and choosing between your boobs popping out of the top, or giving yourself and atomic wedgie. Yeah, not ideal.

I’ve bought two swimsuits from Simply Be in the past, Exhibit A and Exhibit B. While they’re perfectly nice, well-made suits they each fall into the Quasimodo category. Neither are long enough, and while the purple one is wearable due to being fairly stretchy, I have encountered many an almost boob appearance whilst swimming. The black and pink option is not serviceable at all, I don’t believe that it is, in fact, longer length.

Not wanting to encounter this dilemma again, I chose to buy my holiday suits from Long Tall Sally. I’ve been buying from them on and off for about 20 years now, and they not only have great quality clothes, but they really are longer length and comfortably so at that. I chose two swimsuits, Exhibit C and Exhibit D. They were lovely, the fit was comfortable, the fabric nice, the designs attractive, and they were definitely long enough. However, for the larger busted amongst us, they are fairly obscene. Rather than having one of those clever shelf panel things to sit your boobs in, each suit had only an ineffectual, soft piece of foam on each side. The foam was not supported by a band underneath, neither was it stiff enough to actually support a boob. I wish that my breasts still defied gravity as they did when I was 18, but alas I am now 33 and they are considerably bigger, and therefore heavier. Unsurprisingly I chose to return these rather than to give everyone a show they didn’t ask for.

I’m still awaiting my latest choices. I’ve decided to turn to that old favourite, M&S, the place where Britain buys its underwear. You can’t go wrong with Marks & Sparks. I hope. Their suits are generally long *enough* – there isn’t much leeway, they could stand to be longer, but generally they’re alright. They also seem to understand the boob issue quite well, so I have high hopes for Exhibit E and Exhibit F (in red) and even higher hopes that they won’t exhibit my double Gs!

A very trivial blog post I know, but there we go. Wish me luck…

Me and The Girls

Me and The Girls

The ties that bind

My therapist told me I was inspirational. She said it made her feel quite tearful to think of how far I’d come. She could remember when I was so deep in my lethargy and my pit, it was so dark, that she wondered if I’d ever get out of it. Now I’m eating well, feeling stronger, healthier, I’m not longer drowning my brain cells in alcohol, I’m using my brain, I can remember more things, I’m busier, more productive. I’m taking better care of myself, more pride in my appearance. She said all this in one session, and my answer was: “Really?” followed by “Oh, um, thank you, but I wouldn’t go that far.” I couldn’t take the compliment. In her words, I kept batting it away. I was so surprised, and touched to be described as inspirational, but I couldn’t acknowledge it. She set me the task of writing it down, here in my blog, for all to see.

The next thing she asked me to do was to say aloud “I deserve to be noticed”. I fidgeted, giggled a bit and said “I’m always noticed, I’m a six foot, overweight redhead, everyone notices me”. She told me to stop hiding behind humour and to just say it. It was so hard, so hard to say. I felt silly, and arrogant and silly again. I said it into the air. “Again” she said. I said it again into the air above her head. We did this four times and I still couldn’t look her in the eye.

This is co-dependency. This is a “shame existence bind”. Which is a situation where I feel ashamed to exist. (Link will take you to an excellent explanation of this).

One thing I’ve never been able to do is to tell people how I feel about them. Really tell them I mean, in a “You’re amazing, you’re so much fun and I love you” kind of way. I can do it with Tony, and with our cat, I have no problem telling them, but I can’t tell my family. I call it simply being terribly British and not feeling comfortable saying these things out loud, but it’s more than that. I feel like I’ve missed out on stronger relationships with my family members because I just can’t tell them that I love them.

When my birth family tells me they’d like to see more of me, that I’m always welcome, I worry that I’ll be imposing if I just announce that I want to visit. When my aunt and uncle tell me how loved I am and how important, I’m dying to tell them what they mean to me, but I can’t. I’m worried it’ll sound crap and insincere, and I don’t really know how to say it anyway, so I don’t. And they carry on not knowing that I feel that way.

When my sister tells me how nice I look, how brave I am, or how good it is to see me, I feel dowdy and awkward and want to tell her how inspirational I find her and her life. How smart and beautiful she is and how proud of her I am. But I can’t. I’m worried it’ll seem too much, that I’ll embarrass her, and I know I’ll definitely embarrass myself.

When my sister’s sister (it’s complicated) says I’m funny and kind, I want to tell her how great I think she is, how I love her passionate geekiness, her contagious good humour, her sensitivity and her endless enthusiasm. I want to say how glad I am to know her, and how grateful I am that she declared us ‘quarter sisters’ at our first meeting, which made me feel like I belonged.

My cousins, I want to tell them how much fun it was growing up with them, how I seriously loved it. How I wish I lived closer and saw them far more often. That they’re funny, amazing people who mean as much to me as brothers and sisters. That I’m so proud of the kind, good-hearted, successful people they’ve become and that I want to be in their lives. But I can’t. Because it would sound forced and wrong and it would be ‘too much’. So I say nothing and continue to miss out on their company.

I don’t want my nephews to grow up not hearing me say these things to them. I want them to know how much I already love them, these little boys, these incredible little forming personalities. How it’s an overwhelming feeling for me, someone who doesn’t know how to be intimate with people, to suddenly love these little people so much.

So I’ll practice my affirmations in the mirror. I deserve to be noticed. I am enough. I am loving, loveable and loved. I am able to be intimate with others. I can receive compliments. I’ll practice them until I can say them without laughing. Until I can say them out loud to my therapist, and actually look her in the eye. Until I can tell the people who mean the most to me that they do, in fact, mean the most to me.

Weekend wins!

Oh wow, where to start? Things have been going well over the past couple of weeks. Not stupendous fireworks and fanfares well, but the realistic kind of well. The sustainable kind.

So, let’s cover the main points first:

Eating – Great, I’ve stuck to the programme and had no slip-ups for quite a long time now.

Exercise – Slow start, but a very promising finish.

Mental health – Pretty bloody good altogether.

Finances – Errr…..

General wellbeing – Awesome.

Let’s start with the Easter weekend. For most people, the Easter weekend is pretty amazing, containing as it does 2 bank holidays. For Tony and I, however, and all other employees of our particular charity, it contains 3. That’s right, we are given the Tuesday off, for free, no catch, allowing us to savour that rare and fabled beast… The Five Day Weekend. Followed, of course, by the 3 day week. Bloody marvellous.

We chose to use our freedom to go up and visit my parents. I’m becoming increasingly aware recently that the topic of parents is one on which most people are terrifically divided. When mentioning the old homestead and family, people either gush enthusiastically about their loved ones, or pull a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. Thankfully, I fall wholeheartedly into the first category. My parents are awesome. Like, really awesome. They’re understanding, accommodating, welcoming, interesting, fun and above all, really really nice people. Over the years they’ve been invited to the weddings of 3 of my closest friends, which says quite a lot about what people think of them. Anyway, we were excited for the weekend, and it didn’t disappoint.

My Dad once told me that inside every man is a little boy, and what he desperately wants is a football and someone to play with. Despite the fact that Tony and I are 34 and 33 respectively, he and my Mum arranged an Easter egg hunt for us. No really, they bought us treats, wrapped them up, went into the garden in the morning and hid them. They then left us a note from the Easter Bunny, handed us a bag each and watched with glee while we rooted around in the foliage. I confess to feeling a little foolish when first we ventured out, but I soon got into the swing of things and I loved it. By far the best part was finding that M&D couldn’t actually remember where they’d hidden everything. They subsequently spent the next 2 days wandering around the garden bickering, looking bewildered and pointing at bushes.


My parents are big supporters of my health and wellbeing. That should really go without saying but, as I mentioned earlier, it’s not the case for everyone. We had our difficulties, oh yes, we very very did. We went through years of not knowing what on earth was wrong with me, why I was so odd, why I kept putting weight on or why I didn’t seem to be able to function like a normal human being. Their reaction to the fact that I had mental health problems was hugely unhelpful at first. They wouldn’t really talk about it, certainly didn’t understand it and I subsequently felt I had to hide everything from them. However, as they did more research, learned a little more and listened a little more I started to open up to them and actually tell them what was going on. We’ve never had a stronger relationship than we do now. They know about the alcoholism, the addiction, the eating disorder, the co-dependence and have learned how to support me through it all. For this reason, my bag of Easter findings contained no chocolate. No, instead of sugary brown joy that would send me into a spiral of binge-eating, physical allergic-reaction and shame, they filled the garden with amazingly thoughtful gifts wrapped in bright yellow paper. These included candles, bath-related treats, cute little Paperchase note cards in an adorable box and an accompanying pen with abstract cats on it. I love stationery, like, seriously love stationery. Geek. It was so thoughtful, so sweet, and exactly the kind of thing they’d do.

Don’t worry though, Tony’s bag was brimming with mini eggs, creme eggs, white chocolate Easter chicks, and other assorted goodies. Which made him very happy too.

Mum, known for being a damned good cook, has also been incredibly accommodating of my food choices. I turned vegetarian 4 and a half years ago, and she saw it simply as a challenge and starting swotting up on veggie recipes that everyone would enjoy. Having now cut out sugar, gluten, caffeine, alcohol and processed food though, she didn’t throw her hands in the air and shout at me in despairing tones that I could sort my own bloody meals out, as would have been her right, no, she simply saw it as another challenge. When we arrived the table was littered with print outs of sugar free recipes and a copy of Gluten Free magazine. Mum had absolutely surpassed herself. She had managed to make me a sugar and gluten free version of absolutely everything that she was planning to cook that weekend. Seriously! Check out my personal gluten-free bread and butter pudding made with honey!


Isn’t it the most hipster dessert you’ve ever seen? Especially in its tiny little Le Creuset dish! Awww, middle class win. It was amazing.

This weekend showed me that all this is going to be a damned sight easier than I thought it would be, because I have the support of not only my awesome friends, but my truly one-off parents. I felt pretty special to be honest. I also managed to go for a swim, my first in two months I think. I’d been putting it off mostly because I currently have horrible annual eczema on my hands and seriously couldn’t face the effects of the chlorine. I took my swimsuit though, and I only went and swam a bloody kilometre! Very pleased with that.

So, when Tuesday came we headed south again (traitors) and returned to work. Since beginning to eat properly and exercise more, it’s been amazing how much better I’ve felt. I mean actually fireworks and fanfares this time. I feel healthier, stronger, more positive and more motivated. I no longer put things off, I just do them. I no longer take the lift because I’m knackered, I climb the stairs, and feeling boosted after our jaunt to The North, my motivation was even stronger.

I bought a book about giving up sugar, I bought another containing sugar-free and gluten-free recipes, I bought a set of digital scales so that I could weigh myself every week and keep proper track of my progress, and then I actually did weigh myself when I got home – and recorded it too. I bought some brightly coloured beads and put them in an old glass coke bottle – not an arbitrary task, my intention is to transfer them into another bottle every time I lose a pound (why is a pound represented as ‘lb’? Neither of those letters are in that word?) However, the beads I’d bought were too small and the amount of pounds (lbs) I want to lose took up only about an eighth of the bottle. So I multiplied it by 5 to make it look better. I’m guessing this will also be more therapeutic, transferring 5 beads for every pound lost instead of 1. My motivation didn’t stop at just buying things though. I also dug my poor, long-neglected bike out of the cellar and bloody well rode it.

I hate the cellar. I watch A LOT of horror films and I have a healthy, reasonable mistrust of the cellar. I also don’t enjoy spiders. I went down there though, and went through the horribly frustrating process of pushing a bike with completely flat tires up the basement steps without being able to reach the handlebars. It was covered in dust and mould and crap and cobwebs, most of which I was wearing by the time I reached daylight. None of this really sounds like such an epic win does it? It sounds like an everyday task that anyone would usually do at a weekend. Let me assure you though, that there was a time when the mere thought of going down into the cellar and getting covered in cobwebs would have made me curl a little deeper into my bed and plan to do it later. A later which never came. Now though, I not only decided to get the bike, but I actually got the bike, then I actually pumped up the tires (which took for-bloody-ever) and I actually rode it. I rode it!

In the interests of saving money I’d decided to try to cycle to work. It’s only 3 miles, not a huge feat I know, but it is for me. I was actually surprised with how determined I was to do this, more so than the fact that I actually managed to do it! My problem has always been getting started. I knew once I was on the bike that sheer pig-headedness would get me to my destination, I just had to get on the bike in the first place. When I did I suddenly became painfully aware of those two little bones that you forget you possess until you get on a bike. I chose a direct route, straight along a massive main road, which was a stupid plan because I was terrified the whole way there. I took a clever shortcut though, which led me round an enormous, horrifying roundabout, and which I will not be taking again. When I arrived near my office I stopped in a supermarket carpark and forced my lungs back into my chest. Heat was radiating from my enormous, swollen, scarlet face in such quantities that young raggedy children in Victorian dress stopped to warm their hands and roast chestnuts on sticks against it. I looked as though I’d been inflated and then dropped from a great height. But I’d done it. The fact that I’d have to do it again in order to get back home was something I was trying not to think about, so instead I wandered around Morrison’s and bought cat treats, olives and a copy of Die Hard 5 (£3 – bargain!).

When I could walk again, and had forced two Nakd bars down my neck to stop my hands from shaking, I mounted my trusty steed with my two burning bones howling in protest and set off home again. I’m literally amazed that I cycled all the way home again too. When I arrived I was exhausted, a kind of exhausted I hadn’t known for years. A wheezy, breathless, light-headed, shaky exhausted with a glow of pride about it. And a massive headache. A really bad one, the kind that doesn’t even disappear when you go to sleep. It was worth it though.

So, I’d done it, I’d proved that I could cycle to work and back every day. Which means that I’m now going to have to do just that. Not today though, today is therapy and I’m not cycling the 11.4 miles there, let alone the 11.4 miles back again.

Other wins this weekend included: gardening, cutting the grass, eBaying clothes that are now too big for me, putting up pictures, booking my accommodation for my trip to the U.S. in August, doing 3 loads of laundry, picking up my prescriptions and doing a grocery shop. This is literally more than I have done in one day for longer than I can remember. I cannot tell you how positive I feel, how powerful. I even painted my toenails.

I wish I hadn’t stayed up late to watch a film last night though. No film is worth feeling tired over, especially not Final Destination 4.

Not cool

So, today I read an open letter from a J Barlow to Katie Hopkins. For those of you who haven’t read it, you can find it here, and you really should because it’s ace. However, I’m not (currently) going to get into the debate about mental health, or to add my opinion to J’s, because I agree wholeheartedly with him and he’s literally said everything that needs saying. Instead, I’m going to write an open letter of my own, one that I’ve been wanting to write since I started this blog, a letter with a very different subject. A letter to the woman who publically fat-shamed me just over a year ago:

Dear woman in charity shop with impressionable children in tow,

At first glance you seemed to be a pleasant person, you even blessed me when I sneezed upon entering the shop, for which I thanked you. I must admit that I didn’t really pay any attention to you though, following that short interaction, for no other reason than that I was going about my business of being fully engrossed in cheap cardigans and questionable DVDs, and you yours. To say that I was surprised therefore when, upon exiting the shop, you shouted for me to “keep my f*cking germs to myself” would be a massive understatement. I didn’t actually realise it was me you were shouting at, I even turned around to see if I could spot your  unfortunate victim, only to realise it was me when you looked me straight in the eye and added “yeah, you, you fat cow”.

People stared, people giggled, I was suddenly immensely and painfully aware of my boyfriend standing beside me and the fact that he’d heard what you’d said, seen the stares and witnessed the giggles.

Yes, surprise would be an understatement. Amazement is closer to the mark. That is why I stopped and stood bemused outside the shop until you came out. I wasn’t hoping for a confrontation, and please don’t mistake my bewilderment for bravado, I can assure you that I felt only shocked and humiliated.

Of course, you couldn’t possibly have known that I was on the verge of losing my job, that I had been diagnosed with some pretty serious mental health conditions only 3 days previously, that I was yet to start treatment or have any support whatsoever, and that my self-esteem was, at that point, akin to that of an unemployed, smelly, weedy cockroach whose girlfriend has just left him for a considerably younger and more virile cockroach, taking all his money and leaving him with a massive pile of debts and a severe case of leprosy. For you, a stranger, to shout at me in public was bad enough, that I had no idea why was worse, but for you to proceed to personal physical insult was the crowning turd in the water pipe (thanks Blackadder).

I’m actually glad that I stood outside the shop, frozen to the spot with my mouth hanging open, for long enough for you to emerge. At least it cleared up what I was being accused of. When you laid into me again for being a “fat cow” and “coughing” and “bringing my germs out in public” it was quite satisfying to be able to tell you that the cough you heard on our way out of the shop wasn’t actually me, it was my boyfriend, and that neither of us were even ill. Heaven only knows what possessed me to do what I did next, put it down to a very strong feeling that things couldn’t get any worse, but sensing the hesitation in your face when you realised you’d yelled at the wrong person (not that you would have been justified in yelling at the ‘right’ person) I took the opportunity to tell you that the fact that I’m fat has nothing to do with the reason you were angry with me. That my appearance shouldn’t come into it at all, and that it was an incredibly unfair bring it up.

I would genuinely like to thank you though, for standing and listening to me while I bundled up all my accumulated anger at the myriad people who had felt the need to mock my appearance over the years. Thank you for not simply walking away while I told you that all you’d succeeded in doing was ruining my day, humiliating me in public, knocking my self-confidence down to zero, confirming all my worst fears about myself and the way I looked and making me want to go home. Thank you for answering “no” when I asked if I really deserved that just for being fat. Or if my being fat was any of your business.

I may have walked away from you in tears, I may have felt like going home and eating an enormous pizza seasoned with my feelings, I may even have spent the rest of the day in a state of itchy paranoia every time I heard a giggle or saw someone look my way, but the fact was that I didn’t go home. I didn’t give in. The pure fact that you listened to me and admitted you’d been wrong gave me a bare ounce of my dignity back, which turned out to be enough to get me through the rest of the afternoon.

The real magic though came an hour later when you saw us again and purposefully crossed the road to apologise once more. You sounded genuinely regretful when you told me that what you’d said wasn’t fair, and that I could call you a “skinny cow” if it would make me feel better. As I ineffectually tried to explain though, that wasn’t the point. I wasn’t interested in calling you names or making you feel bad, I was interested in making sure that the next time you got angry with a fat person, you didn’t succumb to name-calling and public-shaming if it wasn’t relevant to your anger. My intention was to help you to understand that a person’s size, just like their gender/religion/ethnicity/sexual preference/dress sense or anything else so wholly irrelevant should never be brought into an argument as a weapon. Beggars are seldom allowed to be choosers however, and I was just very grateful indeed to you for being the first person ever to apologise for publically fat-shaming me. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you’re wrong, and to do so to a stranger, in front of your children, must have taken even more.



Incidentally, I think we had a Chinese, not a pizza.

Happy Easter, Easter-celebrators. Happy Bank Holiday, non-Easter-celebrators. I hope that whatever you do is enjoyable, relaxing and covered in sunshine x


A picture of Philip as, contrary to my claims at the beginning of this blog, he hasn’t been in it at all yet.

Then and now

Good old Timehop. For those of you who don’t know, Timehop is an app that pulls posts and photos from social media sites and your phone’s photo album in order to remind you of what you did this time last year, two years ago, three years ago etc. This morning it showed me a picture of my 2nd broken leg, which occurred 2 years ago. Said leg is, thankfully, now healed and only occasionally limpy and crap (and hopeless at descending stairs) and has left behind only a fading scar and a large piece of metal in its wake. It got me thinking though, about what life was like at the time I broke the leg, and inevitably to comparing it to what life is like now.


The Break was actually only the second time in my life that I’d broken a bone, and it happened, as fate would decree, almost exactly 3 weeks after my first broken bone had healed. It wasn’t a good year. I’d broken my foot in January whilst taking Christmas decorations down, having absentmindedly leant on something I knew wouldn’t take my weight. Although it hurt, a lot, it wasn’t too much of a hindrance as I was given one of those 1980s Robocop-looking boots to wear instead of a cast, and could hop about the house on crutches slowly, but fairly effectively, so I was able to work from home. The second break was much worse. I fell over in a pub and ruined my left ankle, one of the bones cutting through the ligament as it snapped, and was therefore confined to a cast for 6 weeks and then Roboboot for a further 6. Working from home was no longer an option as it took me 15 minutes to get from one end of the flat to another (and it was a very small flat). So I sat at home. For 6 weeks. On my own. Watching daytime TV, napping and drinking too much, and it was nowhere near as fun as it sounds. During this time, my partner and his parents bought the flat in which we currently live. Unfortunately, as I was unable to come along and view it, I had only seen it in pictures until 1 week before we moved in! Thankfully he’d made an awesome choice.

It wasn’t the break though that got me thinking, not really, it was what caused it and how I dealt with it. Although the first break was innocent enough, an accidental and sober fall, the second was not. I was, as previously mentioned, in a pub at the time, but it took me a long time to admit to myself exactly what had happened and why.

On the night in question I had gone to a pub opposite my office with a colleague. We had started with a bottle of wine, and then another, and when the time came for a third (at my suggestion), I decided the prices in the pub were too steep and I would go out and buy my own from Sainsbury’s. Not wanting to find myself short I bought two bottles. Thankfully, at that point my friend suggested that we have dinner as we’d previously eaten around 1pm and it was now at least 8pm. Also, she was nearing her limit for wine and I hadn’t really recognised that I drank most of the third bottle myself. The reason I didn’t feel too drunk is that I would regularly drink 4 bottles of wine at a weekend. My alcohol tolerance was a hard-won and prized possession, it was also a growing inconvenience as it took more and more to get me to the oblivion that I favoured at least once a week.

Feeling in need of some distraction from the onslaught of wine, my friend got up to dance. I followed, but in the way that a poorly coordinated hippo follows a gazelle onto the dancefloor. As hippos and gazelles are known to do in their natural habitats. As she bopped gracefully around I took one step backwards, fell against some steps and destroyed my ankle. This made the absolute night of the gentlemen sitting at a nearby table whose previous sniggers at the hippo/gazelle situation were eclipsed as they exploded with joy at seeing the fat one fall over. They didn’t stop laughing when it became apparent I was injured, in fact, one of them got up, went to our table and went through our handbags. A comment about the addition of insult to injury seems redundant here. We were informed of this development by a nearby girl, at the same time that the bouncer was demanding that I get up as I “can’t sit there”. As if my sitting, crying and clutching my leg, was a choice I had made to spite him.

My friend had to go and rescue our belongings while I demonstrated my absolute inability to get up. Thankfully, there were two people in attendance that night who weren’t complete pricks. They helped me up and supported me outside and into the taxi they’d helped my friend to call. Upon arriving at the hospital I, Hippo, was further humiliated by Gazelle having to heft me up and interminable ramp in a poorly-designed wheelchair. Thank God she was an exercise-enthusiast. My main concern on arriving at the hospital was for no one to guess I was drunk. For this reason I gave the unopened bottle of wine in my handbag to my newly-arrived boyfriend as Gazelle helped me apply lipstick – priorities are important after all. My cause wasn’t helped by the staff giving me gas and air. I was as high as a kite when they finally came in to reposition my bone, which is every bit as unpleasant as it sounds. I was then brought crashing to Earth when they told me I’d have to stay in to be operated on, but still managed to laugh heartily when they drew a massive arrow on my leg pointing the equally massive cast, to guard against confusion. Bathing in bed with a bowl of soapy water was not the highlight of my day. Refusing point blank to put on a pair of paper knickers under my insubstantial gown kind of was. There’s something very comforting about retaining your own underwear in a time of crisis.

For most people, the 5 days in hospital, 6 weeks off work, indignity of having a wash on the side of the bath with a plastic mac tied round your thigh, necessity to hang a bag around your neck in order to gather food and supplies from around the house whilst on crutches, lack of access to the outdoors and total reduction in social life, would have been humbling enough to remind them of their gigantic idiocy, of the fact that drinking was not as important as leg-use, that no amount of booze is worth that much pain, and that there had to be a serious underlying problem for that situation to ever have occurred in the first place. Oh, but not me, no, I’m far too cool for that.

It actually took another year for me to recognise the problem. Once recognised it took me a month to quit drinking. It took another 2 to understand that there were massive, gaping problems hiding underneath and that alcoholism was only ever a symptom. I didn’t even realise it when I passed out on a tube and was awoken by an unknown man who tried to take me home. He succeeded in taking my bags home as I scarpered at the next station whilst he was still carrying them. Surprisingly, it turns out that he wasn’t the burly, leery, potential rapist I remembered him being, but was in fact actually the nicest person in the world who had genuinely been trying to assist me. I found this out the following morning when he contacted me over Facebook, having first contacted 4 other people who turned out not to be me, in order to check on my wellbeing and return my completely undisturbed bags to me, complete with credit cards which I’d thoughtfully cancelled before checking Facebook.

Some lessons are hard to learn. Some are impossible to learn on your own and require outside help and the expertise of a professional. Once learned though, they’re unforgettable. Once I’d accepted that alcohol was the cause of my broken leg, that addiction was the cause of my alcoholism and that addiction had taken over every single part of my life. Once I’d been encouraged out of my job due to mental illness, once I’d found myself at a rock bottom that exists leagues below the one I’d previously discovered 4 years earlier, once I’d threatened my relationship, only then did I learn to take responsibility for my actions, to allow myself to feel shame, to really feel it, and to deal with it. I kept telling myself that other people would have got it. But then I realised that other people probably wouldn’t have found themselves in that position in the first place. Now I get it, now I am humbled, and ashamed and penitent. This was a crippling feeling at first, but now it’s a gentle reminder of how far I’ve come. Next month will mark my 1st anniversary of sobriety, I have broken no further bones and passed out on zero tubes. I know this is a huge temptation of fate, but I don’t actually feel that I could ever find myself in that place again, because there isn’t a single part of me that doesn’t understand exactly how it happened and why it was my fault.


The reminder.

The trials of afternoon tea

Let’s talk about afternoon tea shall we?

My alleged best friend is abandoning me and our beloved Blighty and buggering off to the US of A for no better reason than to marry the love of her life. Some bloody people, eh? However, before she leaves she has a to-do list of terribly British things that won’t be available in America. Afternoon tea is a recurring motif amongst the items on this list, one with which I am quite happy to assist.

Now, it’s true that not all afternoon teas are created equal. Take the one I recently had at Soho’s Secret Tearoom as part of a hen do celebration, for example. I was pretty worried about this particular part of the hen do, because it would be the first time I’d had to put myself forward and speak up about my dietary requirements. The thing that had previously stopped me doing this is that I don’t actually think I have the right. I don’t assign my addiction the same weight and importance that I assign to other people’s allergies and intolerances, and I think that the reason for this is that I consistently look at myself through other people’s eyes and judge myself in the way that I (usually unfairly) imagine these other people to be judging me. By speaking up I’m frightened that I’ll have to say the word “addiction”. I’m frightened I’ll have to explain the eating disorder. Above all though, I’m frightened that other people think I’m simply being an awkward fussy eater with a made-up condition who’s trying to get attention. Luckily though, this is why I have a therapist, and one of the things I learn in therapy is how to talk about and value myself. It’s an incredibly simple trick actually, but one I would never have thought of. Which, again, is why I’m there. Duh!

My therapist spent weeks trying to get me to stop being so hard on myself – to stop referring to myself as “such a dick” whenever I did something wrong, and to stop reprimanding myself for being stupid enough to have an addiction when other people somehow managed not to, but nothing worked. One day though, she took in all the things I’d said about myself and then asked me what I’d do if someone said those things to my 3 year old nephew, she asked me to *really* imagine it. Alas, I can think of no other phrase to adequately describe my feelings at this point than, “shit just got real”. In my mind I gathered him up and rushed him away from the offending person, put him somewhere safe, told him he was loved and awesome and not to listen, and then returned and punched aforementioned offender in the face. In other words, the appropriate course of action. Why, then, could I not protect myself? It was this trick that helped me to take this first step and put my needs out there, to tell the tearoom what I could not eat, to take away temptation and protect myself from the crippling consequences of succumbing to the addiction. I was proud of myself, I had done a positive thing and attempted to put my wellbeing first. It’s unfortunate then that it failed, miserably.

According to the person who made the booking, the tearoom boldly claimed to be able to cater to any dietary requirement – to be fair though, this isn’t stated on their website. Anyway, the venue was lovely, I greatly enjoyed passing behind a bar and up a secret-looking staircase to get to the tearoom. It was endearingly short on elbow-room, with mismatched cups and saucers occupying all available surfaces, and the (largely female) population snugly but delicately perched on a variety of differently-shaped chairs. Unfortunately however, my request for a vegetarian, gluten-free, refined-sugar-free afternoon tea was forgotten. No, really, I was informed upon arriving that the chef had literally forgotten to make anything sugar free. He had, however, made lovely gluten-free, vegan, sugary treats for the only other person with dietary requirements – a whole plate of awesome looking cakes, a scone (to rhyme with gone) and some gluten-free cucumber sandwiches. When I looked understandably crestfallen at the news that would not be able to partake, they managed to rustle me up what amounted to two gluten-free cucumber sandwiches, but I’m afraid that was, as they say, ‘it’.

I sat there, I drank my (really delicious) pot of rose tea, I ate my cucumber sandwiches and I tried to ignore the fact that all around me people were tucking into the most amazing looking cakes. I attempted to fit in, I tried really hard to be “normal” and interesting and fun, but I was overwhelmingly socially crippled by my own insecurities and sense of embarrassment. In a last ditch attempt to salvage some perceived dignity, I slipped off to the counter and asked a waitress whether it would be possible for them to make some gluten-free versions of the other vegetarian sandwich options (egg mayo or cream cheese & chive). However, and this was the crowning glory, not only had they now run out of gluten-free bread, but they claimed that I couldn’t have had them anyway as I was a vegan. Which was news to me.

I turned Humiliation Pink, escaped to the loo to re-group, and decided the best course of action was one that involved giving up and going home. Which I did. I’d tried, I’d put myself first, I’d attempted to look after my wellbeing and I’d been left feeling disillusioned, deflated and a little bit sad, like a bargain flan in a cupboard.

To give them their due, Soho’s Secret Tearoom were very apologetic, and they didn’t charge me for the delicious pot of tea, or the 2 cucumber sandwiches I consumed. Which was nice. It also wasn’t entirely their fault that I felt the way I did. As lovely as the day was, and as happy as I was to be there, I hadn’t realised that the only person I would really know was the bride-to-be, whose attention was, quite rightfully, pulled in several directions. I was also over-dressed. Which I hate. All in all not a good day to choose to make a big, brave stand against addiction.

After bemoaning my sad and sorry situation to aforementioned best friend, it was decided that we would attempt afternoon tea again the following weekend, that it would be an astounding success, and that we would get dressed up to the nines (whatever they are) and have a simply marvellous time. We chose our venue from Londonist’s Sugar-Free Guide to London, and we chose wisely. Namely, we chose the Guiltless Afternoon Tea at the Wellington Lounge of the Intercontinental Park Lane hotel. Not only was the entire menu free from refined sugar and gluten, but they did an entirely vegetarian spread and even made me a non-alcoholic version of the cocktail. The lounge itself was luxurious, comfortable and elegant without being exclusive, the staff were knowledgeable and welcoming, the white peony and rose tea was beautiful and the food itself was perfect, really perfect. The cakes tasted no different to “real” cakes and the savoury items were so much better than sandwiches could ever be. I felt better, I felt more like myself, I felt like I belonged, and I felt pretty damned good because we got £10 off each with a trusty voucher!

Afternoon tea 3

This post isn’t about shaming Soho’s Secret Tearoom – it was an unfortunate situation which could have happened to anyone, and they handled it with care and consideration. The place itself was lovely, and I would very much like to go back in the future and give it another try. Nor is this post intended to be in any way derogatory regarding the hen do, which was immense fun with some really lovely people and I thoroughly enjoyed it – especially the Sing-Along-A-Frozen screening at the Prince Charles, “LET IT GOOOOOOOOOO”. This is a post about my own failings and limitations, my attempts to overcome them, and the utter and inimitable joy that can be found in getting really, really dressed up and going somewhere posh.

Afternoon tea

The story so far…

So, what a year, eh? We’ve touched on the alcohol thing, but what about the rest?

Alcoholism isn’t something you talk about. Not really. It’s a bit of a conversation-stopper in fact. If you mention that the reason you’re not drinking is not in fact because you are pregnant (we’ll get to weight-loss soon), but that you’re an alcoholic, people tend to have to stop and contemplate the image that immediately enters their heads – one of you passed out in a gutter at 9am with a can of Special Brew in each hand and any ability to hold down a job or relationship dribbling away from you in a foul-smelling stream. Thankfully, this is not what happened to me. In fact, it was this image, the myth of the stereotypical alcoholic, that stopped me from seeing that I had a drink problem at all.

Alcoholics come in a myriad of shapes, sizes and severities, which I discovered upon attending my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. The meeting itself, along with its members, I won’t mention, as that would negate the “Anonymous” part, but the experience was something I’ll never forget. I suffer from that very English affliction of not wanting to put people out, make a fuss or impose. For this reason, sitting in a room full of assorted strangers and being asked to share my darkest secrets, and worse still – being given phone numbers so that I could call strangers should I need help! – was not my idea of fun. Although, to be fair, my idea of fun was what had landed me in that situation in the first place, so I was prepared to give it a go.

As it turned out, I was, in my own expectations, perpetuating the myth of what an alcoholic was. I was completely unprepared for the fact that these people were just like me. We all sat, we all told how alcohol affected us, we all had surprising stories that elicited nothing but pity, understanding and solidarity from the room.  We were all supposed to be there, there were no mistakes. It didn’t matter that I didn’t feel the need to drink every day. It didn’t matter that I didn’t need a drink first thing in the morning to be able to face the day. It didn’t matter that my only perceived “crime” was that I was a weekend binge drinker. What did matter was that once I had a drink, one drink, I was physically and mentally unable to stop. I would drink until I hit oblivion, willingly, happily, over and over again, and that is all it takes to be an alcoholic: drinking in a way that is detrimental to your health, or over which you have no control.

If I’m honest, I knew I had a drinking problem for years. It wasn’t until I was forced to face it though that I saw it for what it was. I had struggled with mental health problems for years, never really knowing what was wrong or how to even consider fixing it, until the time came that I couldn’t ignore it any longer.

I was working for a small charity in London, and being stretched far beyond my limit, far beyond breaking-point, when it finally happened. I was so disconnected with reality that I had entirely lost sight of how very badly my job was going. It turned out that they were as disillusioned with me as I wholly and completely was with them. We reached a (non-mutual) understanding, where they would neglect to help me through it, and in turn I would agree to resign in order to make their lives easier. If you note a tinge of bitterness, you’re not imagining it, it’s definitely there. Anyway, upon leaving my only link to the real world I immediately set about getting help before all my social-need muscles atrophied and I went to live in a hole somewhere. I cannot say how grateful I am that I have parents prepared to pay in order for me to get the fastest and best help. This is not an avenue open to everyone and I will never take this extraordinary privilege for granted.

The reason I wasn’t already in treatment was that I’d already been through the NHS and come out the other side none the wiser. This time though was different, so off to the Priory I went for a psychiatric consultation. An hour later I came out with a diagnosis of depression (expected) and co-dependence (not expected), and an appointment with a therapist who thankfully worked outside the Priory so that I could afford to see her.

In the course of my subsequent treatment I was led to discover that I was an addict. I was never told, it was never suggested to me, I was led down the right paths until I discovered it for myself. First of all we tackled alcoholism. It didn’t take me long to figure that one out, though I do not mean to make it sound like an easy thing to beat. I was so unbelievably angry when I realised I’d have to give it up. Palpably, measurably angry. The thought of never again having a glass of Champagne to celebrate a wedding/New Year, the thought of trips to the pub for exciting pints of soda water, the thought of never again, never ever, being drunk literally made me want to shout and shout and throw things and blame someone, anyone, for the mess I found myself in. Unfortunately though, there was no one to blame but myself.

Next, and hardest of all, we tackled food addiction. This took a lot longer and is still the biggest struggle of my entire life. I have been sober for 10 months and 28 days. I have been a clean-eater for fewer than 3 months. See, I’m not an alcoholic, not really. I’m an addict as a result of being a co-dependent. I can make an addiction out of anything – alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, shopping, food, love etc. Thank God I never took up drugs or gambling – I can honestly, hand on heart, say that I would be dead by now if I had.

My addictions are: alcohol, sugar, caffeine, refined flour, cheese, processed foods and additives. It is necessary for me to cut all these things out of my life. My food addiction counts as an eating disorder. The foods I cannot eat are trigger foods – they elicit an allergic response which triggers my addiction. I consume the food/alcohol, I want the food/alcohol, I consume the food/alcohol, I want the food/alcohol. Nothing else matters. I will lie and cheat to get what I want and I won’t even realise I’m doing it. As the person I’m lying to and cheating the most is myself.

So, here I am. I’m a non-smoking, teetotal, non-drug using, gluten-free, sugar-free, processed food-free, clean-living vegetarian. I read endless articles about food triggers, diet fads (to know what to avoid) and the benefits of clean living (and collect endless recipes on Pinterest). I’ve taken up Zumba, I swim again and I fight every single day to keep my addictions in check. Because they are all-consuming and they are life-threatening and I cannot risk ever slipping back into them again. Food can be the most dangerously addictive substance there is, and unfortunately it’s the one substance you can never give up. My life could not be more different to what it was at the start of this process. My life, and my relationship, have never been better.


The cup that started it all.